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TThe Unauthorized Eddie and Louie 42* Archive *and sometimes Buffy 42
January 1, 2005 Me: Come on dogs, get in the car Both dogs: Hurray! Ride time! -drive, drive, drive, slow down-- Eddie: OMG We're slowing down! This is the most horrible thing in the world! Me: Hush, you. Eddie: Oh god Grandma (Author's Note: My mom) is getting out! It's the end of the world as we know it!
Louie: Eddie, shut the fuck up already.
Eddie: Look! She entered the gas station!
Louie: I hope she survives. You stupid humans can't live without us.
Later
Me: Here she is, idiots.
Eddie: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!
Later
Me: Let's look at the lights and walk the trail.
Eddie: I don't want to do anything! This place is unfamiliar! Hold me! Oh, wait, smells! Bye!
Louie: Wait up.
Eddie: NEW SMELLS NEW SMELLS NEW SMELLS
Louie: I want to pee.
Eddie: SMELLS SMELLS SMELLS SMELLS SMELLS
Louie: This new area sure is interesting. Lotsa blinking lights.
Eddie: SMELLSSMELLSSMELLSSMELLSSMELLS
Later.
Eddie: Look! It's four old people and a tiny child. I'll protect the pack! GRRRR
Louie: Oh god, not this again.
Eddie: GRR.
Me: Eddie, shut up. Get in the car.
Eddie: CAR!
--drive, drive, drive---
Me: Dogs, we're home.
Eddie: OH GOD WE'RE STOPPED WOES TERRORS WOES
Me: Eddie, we're HOME. See? Your tree. YOUR HOUSE.
Eddie: WOES WOES WOES
-- door opens --
Eddie: YAY MY TREE MY HOUSE
Louie: And I look up to this nitwit?
January 26, 2005 Me: Louie, get out of the damn hallway, you're in my way. Louie: Go to hell, I got bread and it's MINE. Me: I'm bigger then you. Louie: *moves* February 15, 2005 Eddie and Louie just haven't been all that funny lately. Only funny thing is Eddie when he's just woken and I give him the speak command. He gives a little yawn or stretches his jaw, as if to say 'Dude, I just woke up, give me a break. I'll bark later'. April 9, 2005 Me Tired As Hell Eddie. Gassy Eddie: Hey, let me share some blanket space. Me: Ok, fine. Get under and I go back to sleep. Eddie: Yay! *burrows* Twenty minutes pass Eddie:FRRRT Me: What the hell? Eddie: PBBTH Me: Jesus. Oh well, he's all under the bed. I just have to remember not to lift the covers .Eddie: FRT POOT FART BTTPPTTH. Ten minutes later. Eddie: BPPTTH Me: *sleeps* Three hours later. Me: Man, I'm cold. Better adjust the blankets. Eddie: FRRT *adjust* Me: OH HOLY GOD THE STENCH Eddie: PPFTT. April 16, 2005 Time: Saturday. Early. TOO early Eddie: What the hell? You can't possibly be leaving like you do every weekend at this time! Me: Sorry, pooch Eddie: I am sad. Look how sad I am. Sad, sad, sad. Me: Gots to happen, pooch. Look, I put out fresh water and fresh food. Eddie: Sad, sad, sad, sad. Me: *sits* Eddie: Yay! You are sitting! I have a cunning plan! *onto lap* Now I shall stop you with my bodily weight, though you weigh more then six times my weight! Me: Haw haw haw! *lift* Eddie: No! Won't...go! I can stop you by lap arrest! Me: *stands up, opens door* Eddie: Stay! Stay! Stay! I shall...um, sleep on the good spots of the bed! I mean, I shall be sad! May 3, 2005 Me: Hey, dogs! We got a new kitty! Dogs: We want treats. Me: Hey, cat! Dogs: What the hell are you talking about? It's treat time. Kitty: HISS MOTHERFUCKER. HISS! Dogs: TREATS. Kitty: REEEOW BITCH. Dogs: Treats, please. Me: Fine, here. Treats. Dogs: Yay, treats! Hey, there's a cat. Mmm, we love treats. May 5, 2005 Okay, the kitty ended up fine but... Me: Oh hell, where is the cat? Eddie: Play time! Me: Go away. I can't find the cat. ::ten minutes of me freaking out:: Eddie: Play! See. Ball! Me: Stop it, Eddie! And I foolishly kick the ball in frustration. Eddie: YAY! CHASE THE BALL! Me: Eddie, get the cat. Eddie: Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis? Me: Eddie, go get it! Eddie: But the ball! Me: Eddie, go get the cat. Eddie: Cat's not here, man. Then I literally get the cat blanket and wave it front of his nose, because by then I have gone off the deep end. Eddie: You're strange, dude. Me: Oh, god, I killed the cat. ::ten more minutes of freakout:: Suddenly, on the computer's mouse pad is the kitty. Me: KITTY! Kitty: Dude, not so loud, I just woke up. Me: Kitty! Kitty: Dude. Seriously. Later, we determined the kitty was sleeping INSIDE one of the containers on the desk that was designed to hold lots of paper. May 7, 2005 BuffyKitty: WHEEE! Claw the underside of the mattress! Me: I want sleep now! Buffy: I'll sleep when I'm dead! ::kitty proceeds to walk on the underside of the mattress:: Me: I'll grab you with my hands! Buffy: Haw haw, too slow! Me: I just want sleep. Buffy: I want to eat this mattress! ::eating sounds:: Me: ::ninja grab:: Buffy: I am vanquished! Me: Go over there. ::places cat down:: Buffy: Freedom! Under the bed I go! June 8, 2005 Me: Hey, Eddie, how about some horseplay? Eddie: Yay! Wrestle! Scritchies! Pretend growling! ::said stuff proceeds to happen:: Buffy, peering over the computer chair: HOLY FUCK! Eddie: Growl, growl, growl. ::is happy:: Buffy: Jesus Christ, man. Are you killing him? Eddie: Growl, growl. Buffy: Look, I know I'm new here but this shit is whack, yo. Me: Calm down, everyone. Eddie: Growl, growl. Buffy: You guys are messed up. September 22, 2005 Eddie: Gimme a treat from that spot by the keyboard. Me: There's nothing there! Eddie: There was before. Me: There is no plate. There is no food. There is no spoon. NOTHING. Eddie: Treats came from there before, treats can come from them now. Me: Your logic is flawed. Eddie: You are flawed for not giving me treats. September 25, 2005 The dogs: Morning Time Me: Who wants to go out? Louie: I do, I do!" PROING PROING. Louie bounces into the ceiling. Me: EDDIE! Louie: He's on the bed, I just checked. Me: I'm not taking two trips! Louie: PROIIG PROUNG At this time Louie is actively leaping -through- the roof and raining debris on my head. Me: EDDIE! Eddie: SCREW OFF! Me: Fine, come on, Louie. Louie: YAY ON A WALK BY MY OWN I'M THE MOST SPECIAL DOG EVER. Outside; Louie: YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY Back in Louie: I GOT TO GO OUT BY MYSELF I GOT OUT BY MYSELF! Eddie: Hey, can I get a walk? Me: FINE! Louie: YAY I GET TO GO OUT AGAIN! October 6, 2005 Me: Time to go out! Louie: Yay! Out! Me: Oh, hold on. The door to the bird's room is open. I gotta close it. The cat's on the porch and she'll run in and bother the bird. Louie: I'll follow you, to make sure you don't trip over or accidentally drop any treats or explode. Eddie: Whatever, peeps. Come back when you got your shit together, I'll be right here by the door. Me: Louie, get out of the room! It's time to go out! Louie: Yay, I'm being paid attention to! Me: Louie! ::advances into room:: Louie: Oh no! You're slightly grumpy! I must retreat further into the room! Me: ::grabs Louie:: Louie: I have absolutely no idea what I did wrong. October 12, 2005 Me: ::wakes up:: Shit, my head hurts. Time for a pill. Eddie and Louie: He's awake, he's awake! Time to go out! Me: Hush it. Shit, no water bottles by the pills. ::takes pill to bathroom:: Dogs: Yay yay yay closer to the door! Whee! Me: The bathroom cup is grody. To the kitchen! Dogs: WHEEE! POING POING Me: Sweet water and pill. Great, now I have to pee. Dogs: Gotta go out, though we wouldn't have to if you were still asleep! Me: I know! Louie can hold it, Eddie, not so well. Will put Eddie in the can with me! Eddie: I flee, like a maniac! It's a new thing, to torment my master. Me: I don't need this. Dogs: Time to go out! Me: ::takes them out, where Louie proceeds to move more liquid volume then there exists inside his entire body. All the while giving me dirty looks:: Me: Time to go back in! Dogs: Yay, treats! ::me into bathroom:: Dogs: Treats? November 28, 2005 Me: Come here, dogs. Eddie: Uh, oh. Something's going on. Me: Time for flea medicine. Eddie: This can't be good. I will now proceed to forget all the times he's called me over and we have had fun times. I like getting my head scratched, for example, but this could never possibly happen again. Louie: SHINY THINGS ARE PRETTY. Me: Come here, dogs. Eddie: I am wary. Me: AHA! I gotcha! Eddie: OH SHITS RUN FOR IT LOUIE. Louie: HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE OH CRAPS I IS CAUGHT! Eddie: It's the woman who calls herself Grandma! You is caught, Louie. Louie: FEAR. Eddie: FEAR...I know! I shall grr, though it displeases the masters and causes more trouble. GRR. Me: Shut it, you. :::gentle Advantage drops are put on both dogs:: Eddie: This is the worst thing ever! I am mortally offended. Louie: SHINY THINGS OVER THERE! Eddie: Will the torture of wet drops on my neck ever end? I hope my peeps never see this. Me: You don't have peeps. You growl at everyone who hasn't lived in this house for a year. The entire neighborhood knows you are a mean old coot. Eddie: Just like George Bush! Me: What the hell? Oh, well, medicine is done. Eddie: Give me a treat. Me: What? No way. Eddie: Treaat! You are getting sleepy. Me: You bared your teeth at me for putting drops on your neck! You ain't getting nothing. Eddie: I shall now growl at the cat, who has claws. Louie: HA HA HA I AM NOW UNDER THE BED, YOU CAN'T GET ME January 21, 2006 Poor Louie-Dog. Last night he wanted to crawl under the bed, literally, but I had some stuff there. So he had gone around the puzzle table and tried to crawl under the bedside table. But it was too small! Much like his brain. So, like a McDonald's customer, he kept backing up and trying again, as if the spot would change dimensions in the midst of backing up. I moved the stuff and brought his attention to the clear access way. So under the bed he goes. Crazy dog. April 2006 I open the door. Louie: Yay! You're home! Me: Shh. Where's Eddie? Louie: Don't know, don't care. You're home! Me: Not for long. Gotta grab and dash. Louie: Your words are meaningless. Yay! Home! You! Are! Me: Where is that damn dog? Louie: I can bounce in place! Me: Oh, well, gotta go. ::door swings shut:: Eddie: I'm awake! I'm awake! You're home! Hold on! Don't go...aw, dammit. June 6, 2006 I sit down on the bed with crackers and a soda to help the painkiller go down. Eddie jumps up. Me: What? Eddie: Give me some crackers. Me: No. They're mine. Eddie: It is vitally important I have some crackers. Me: No. Eddie: All shall obey the Hypno-toad...I mean, all shall obey the Hypno-Eddie. Me: Have some crackers. Slowly. Eddie: YAY! Slowly I advance, inch by inch. ::munch, munch, munch:: Your obedience was excellent. More crackers, now. Me: Watch the crackers go left! Watch them go right! Up! Down! Eddie: I am helpless but to watch but I see your painkillers are kicking in. Me: Have more crackers. Eddie: Hooray crackers! June 12, 2006 Louie: Hey, look. I got a banana. Me: I see. Louie: It's in my bed. Me: I see that also. Louie: The bed is mine. The banana is mine. Just so you know. I can also glare. Me: Why don't you try eating the banana? Louie: Why don't you go screw? Me: Bananas are for eating. Louie: Screw you. They are for sitting over until they turn mushy and vanish. Me: We throw them away when you aren't listening. Louie: You're a damn dirty liar and I think you should go now. June 12, 2006 Eddie: You have salad. Me: I see. Eddie: Some of that salad is mine, you know. Me: Why? Eddie: Because I am the Alpha Dog of the house. Me: There's only one other dog in the house. Eddie: Correct. And he follows me. Give me some salad. Me: No. Eddie: Yes. Me: Okay. Have a spinach leaf. Eddie: Yum. Give me another. Me: Okay, lay down. Eddie: ::down:: My position like this has nothing to do with my desire for more spinach. It is simply a coincidence. Now give me another leaf. Me: Here you go. Eddie: More. Me: No, it is gone. Eddie: My disappointment will haunt you unto your...hey, shiny! July 1, 2006 Me: Okay, guys, I'm tired as hell from the flea market and it hurts my skull if I bend my knees. We're going to try a leashless walk. Dogs: Gotta go OOOOUUUUTTT! Me: Now, you gotta behave. I know you can do this, you've done it when it was night before. Dogs: OUT OF THE WAAAAAYY! Me: ::opens screen door, foolishly leaving front door open:: Eddie: YAY! OUT! ::runs to lampost that is firmly in yard, drowns it:: Louie: YAY! OUT! CAR! Everyone in? Gotta check. Everyone in? Check BOTH doors! Me: Louie, you psychopath, all the humans are inside. You JUST SAW THEM. Louie: You could have spawned a clone on the way home. Bitch. ::pees:: Eddie: I'm done! Time to explore where you can't see me! Me: Eddie! Get back here! Cat: AHA! Freedom! Terrible, terrible freedom! Me: Oh, crap. How do I get leashless dogs inside with Houdini the Cat right here? Dogs: We are suicidal YEY! Cat: LET ME OUT! Me: ::opens screen door, grabs cat:: EVERYONE INSIDE! Dogs: INSIDE MEANS TREATS! ::zip, zip:: Cat: This is the worst injustice in the world. July 10, 2006 No animals were hurt in any of the chaos detailed or implied in this posting. Eddie: Whatcha doing? Me: Cleaning the pins the cat knocked over onto the guinea pig cage. Eddie: Is it play time? Me: No! Get away from here, we didn't get all the pins yet! Eddie: PLAYTIME! ::knocks needle box over:: Me: ARGH NO GET AWAY ::grabs both dogs:: Louie: WHEE RIDE Eddie: I have no idea what is going on. ::shove into bedroom, close door:: Eddie: HAI HAI HAI HAI THE DOOR IS CLOSED YOU SHUT THE DOOR. Cat, from bathroom door two feet away: Count yourself lucky! You get a sheet to sit on. My butt is cold! Eddie: OH NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN, NOBODY KNOWS MY SORROW. Guinea Pig: I HATE MY LIFE IT RAINED NEEDLES TODAY. August 26, 2006 Me: Eddie, time to go out. Eddie: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Me: What? Eddie: CRASH BOOM. CRASH BOOM. Me: Those were thunderstorms. You've been through those before. Come on. Eddie: NEVER SO LOUD! SON OF MY MOTHER! Me: Time to pee. Eddie: NOT GOING OUT. Me: Why not? Eddie: STORM'S GONNA GET ME. Me: It's over with. Eddie: IT'S HIDING. Me: Louie's going out. Eddie: LOUIE CAN GO TO HELL. Me: You're being silly. Eddie: CAN'T SLEEP, STORM'LL EAT ME. August 31st, 2006 Three thirty this morning Me: OW MY BRAIN. Migraine: HA HA HA HA HA I KEEL YOU. Me: YAY DRUGS. Dogs: Yay, he's up! We get to go walkies! Though we don't need to for hours! Me: GRRRR Dogs: ok no walkies Cat: WANNA GO OUT ON DECK. Me: GRR. Cat: Haw haw, don't pull that on me. I'm a cat. Me: Fine. Out on porch you go. Eddie: Mini-recliner is free! Wheee! It's mine now! Me: I need that so pill can work and pain can go away. Eddie: It's miiiiine. Me: I'm bigger then you. Eddie: I'm cuter. The bed is empty. Me: You take the bed ::lifts dog:: Eddie: Worst humiliation ever! I will now leap off the soft bed and lay on the floor! Me: Whatever, leave me alone. September 11, 2006 Scene: Outside, on the grassy area next to the car.
Me: Come on dogs, get inside, I
gotta get ready to go. October 10, 2006 Conversation with Buffy-The-Cat Buffy: Yaaah, recliner, I keel you! Yaaah! Me: Hey! My recliner! I paid ten bucks for it! I brought it in...hey, what's this? Seeds? Buffy: YAAAH! Murder! Death, kill! Me: Have you been eating the flowers again? Bad cat! No flower seeds for you! ::herein, I throw some away in nearby trash-box. Yes, box:: Buffy: SECRET NINJA DEATH-GRAB BITE! Me: AAAGH FUCK! PAIN! Buffy: DEATH-GRAB, LESS BITEY! YAAAR! MINE! ::careful extraction:: Me: MOM! CAT BITEY ME! Mom: Catnip! Didn't you see? Me: NO! My Precious Blood: HELLO! Maybe we're infected from an animal that licks it's own butt! FREEDOM! So I had to run my hand under hot water. I seared the wound closed and now it's just a red dot near the base of my thumb, like a sniper is really mad at my hand. Later I gave my cat more catnip and she stared at her feet for an hour after eating it all. Plus, I think she ate the paper towel the catnip was on. P.S. Eddie is on the recliner again, tongue poking out. Don't know where Louie is, probably under the other bed, where he hides, because it's dark and cave-like and too dark to read. October 11, 2006 NEITHER EDDIE NOR LOUIE. Nor Buffy! So, coming home from the library. Small road. Me: OMGWTF TURTLE. Mom: TURTLE. Road: I have lots of traffic sometimes! MWA HA HA HA. Turtle: Side of the road for the win, baby! Me: Maybe he wants to be into that water over there. Maternal unit: I'll grab him. Turtle: Im in my shell, hidin from u doodz! Me: No cars! Mom: He's heavy! Turtle: GRRR yes, I am growling. Me: OMGWTF GROWLING Hole in fence: HI! I'm super excited to be here, thanks for asking! Mom: Turtle go in! Turtle: FREEDOM! HORRIBLE FREEDOM! My brain: I really hope that's where he was intending to go.
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